Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
