Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
