8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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