She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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