I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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