I wannas sexs uuuuu
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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