Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
