Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
