i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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