So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
