My girlfriend figured out who you are.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
