Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
