the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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