Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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