How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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