I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize
