well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
