Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
