I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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