you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
