You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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