I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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