if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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