I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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