He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
