You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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