There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
