Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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