I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
