I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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