I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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