I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
