I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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