So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
