Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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