I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
