Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
