Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
