i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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