we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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