ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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