Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
