I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
