I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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