hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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