You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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