I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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