he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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