I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
