Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
