how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize