Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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