Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
