dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
