WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
