Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
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