how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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