I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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