I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
