I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
